Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Navigating Relationships Through Courageous Communication
Connection is the single most important factor when it comes to happiness. Not fame or fortune. Not beauty or brilliance. Just basic human-to-human connection. It’s the most essential building block of social life, the most underrated, and the most challenging.
Technology doesn’t do us any favors. Seduced by the promise that the next swipe will reveal a better option, we increasingly apply this “next up” mindset to all relationships — love interests, friends, and professional partnerships alike. When faced with too much choice, our “switching likelihood” increases. As a result, our tolerance for imperfection in others has decreased, while our appetite for working on our own shortcomings has plummeted. Not a satisfying combination.
And yet, relationship expert John Gottman argues that developing tolerance in relationships is the key to not only making the relationship last, but to individual happiness. But how much is too much to tolerate? How do you know when you’re being a doormat and when a little levity can defuse the situation? The old adage that “no one is perfect” should be top of mind in relationships, and yet recognizing when something or someone needs a little work and grace versus when it’s toxic or hopeless can be difficult.
You have three options in every relationship, regardless of its nature or duration. Here’s how to determine your best course of action:
WHEN TO STAY:
You see a path forward where you can either live with the issue(s) or you can work together toward finding a mutually acceptable solution.
There are signs the other person is willing to commit to doing the work and growing AND you are also looking at how you can show up differently in the relationship (our actions and reactions inspire different behaviors in other people).
WHEN TO WALK:
There’s an irreconcilable dealbreaker, like abuse, addiction, or emotional avoidance. (BUT think very hard about whether it’s actually a dealbreaker or whether there’s a path toward mutually working on it. Someone’s imperfections and personal struggles need not always be a dealbreaker, depending on their commitment to working through it.)
You realize the relationship was built on a house of cards and the one thing tethering you together just isn’t enough (i.e. great sex, a shared resource, convenience, etc.)
WHEN TO TAKE A (BRIEF) BREAK: (This option is not explored enough!)
You both care about each other, but know that one or both of you needs the space to grow and learn before the relationship can resume. That might mean hours, days, weeks, or months (if it’ll take years, it’s probably best to move on).
You have exhausted talking it out and still aren’t getting the results you want, but the depth of feeling and belief in the relationship is still there. Sometimes distance can breed the greatest clarity and be the biggest motivator. You might be surprised to realize how much you really do care about them and want to find a path forward — or you may realize they were never as much of a fit as you thought.
Regardless of the option you choose, the key to successfully navigating all of them is COMMUNICATION.
Relationships live, breathe, and die by communication. It is their oxygen. Communication deprivation — NOT saying the “wrong” thing — is the most sure-fire way to kill a relationship. Avoidance and dishonesty destroys would-be great relationships, and ones that could end with dignity and warm feelings devolve into anxiety and resentment when communication crumbles.
Examples of poor communication:
Ghosting (sudden disappearance)
Avoidance / stonewalling (refusal to engage in even basic exchanges)
Dishonesty / half-truths (makes it difficult to trust)
Breadcrumbing (just enough communication to keep someone invested)
Hot / cold extremes (inconsistency, emotional rollercoaster)
Not aligning words with actions (diminishes credibility)
Orbiting (staying connected on social media, maybe “liking” or even commenting, but never connecting directly in a meaningful way)
Conversations — real, honest, vulnerable, face-to-face (when possible) communication — take guts! Are you avoiding these conversations because you are afraid — or because you know the other person actually cannot handle the truth and it would do them serious harm? (More often than not, it’s the former.)
As challenging as relationships are and as tempting as it is to hide behind our own fears and shift our attention to a new, shiny object, remind yourself: You are very likely doomed to repeat that pattern with someone new — unless you change the script and take new, different, often uncomfortable action.
What’s the path forward?
Challenge yourself to take a look in the relationship mirror and see which of these three paths is best for your current relationship(s).
Whichever path you choose, choose COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION over COWARDLINESS. Life is too short for poor communication. Make every exchange count.
p.s. Like the great Carly Simon said: “You’re so vain, you probably think this [article] is about you.” Chances are, we can all see ourselves in one or more of these scenarios. The question isn’t “Is this me?” but “What am I going to do about it?” Share this with someone who could benefit from reexamining their relationships and exhibiting more courageous communication habits.