The Case for Civility and a Call for Humanity: A Personal Story
This week I was physically assaulted in front of my apartment in Amsterdam. I’m fine — truly — and this is not even close to the worst thing to ever happen to me, nor does it top my list of current personal stressors. And yet, as both a sociologist and a citizen, I think it’s a story worth sharing and learning from, because it speaks to how we engage as a society:
Around 5pm, I was riding my bike back from yoga in the rain (of course), and my jacket hood slid slightly in front of my left eye, making it hard to see the man that seemingly came out of nowhere on his bike, attempting to squeeze through the one-foot space between my bike and the sidewalk where I planned to park. As a result, our bike tires bumped. There was no traffic — from cars or bikes — and I was barely moving, so the impact was the equivalent of brushing shoulders with someone as you walk by. No one fell off or was injured, and no bikes were harmed. We just merely came to a momentary stop. I imagine this is the sort of thing most Dutch people encounter hundreds of times in their lifetimes.
Nonetheless, the error was mine, and I immediately acknowledged that. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” I told him, separating my bike and moving it aside so he could continue on. But instead of continuing on his journey, he stopped and flipped a mental switch into what I can only describe as “Dutch road rage” (swap out the traditional cars for bikes). After yelling at me in Dutch (oh, how I wish my Dutch were good enough to interpret what choice words he had for me), I again apologized. He switched to English (Dutch people speak near-perfect English): “CAN’T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING?!” he screamed with a look of disgust one might associate with a deep, personal grievance. “I did, but my hood slid down as I went to turn, so I missed you. I really apologize,” I repeated a third time, keeping calm. He remained unsatisfied. “Sir, I’ve apologized multiple times, I’m not sure what else I can do,” I implored him, trying to be as polite and deferential as possible, in an effort not to further poke the bear.
Then, as if I represented every slight he’d ever experienced, every negative perception he has of foreigners, and every ounce of aggression — completely unrelated to me — that he feels he has nowhere else to channel, he grew still, stared me straight in the eye, wrinkled up his already wrinkly face, wound up his arm, and PUNCHED ME. Before I could make sense of what happened, he rode away quickly, clearly knowing what he did was a reportable offense.
Three people walked by us as this happened. A man and two women. I have no idea if they were locals or visitors. They were fixated by the scene, mouths agape, eyes wide — but they said and did nothing, nor did they ask if I was ok after he fled the scene.
Some expat friends encouraged me to file a police report (though I thought it futile), and the police asked if there was any nearby video footage. There is a high-end restaurant beneath my apartment, so I texted the Dutch owner — who knows me — to inform him of the incident in front of the property and asked about potential footage. He simply said he’d check, but never once expressed concern or showed any curiosity about the incident. I later shared what happened with another Dutch man. His response: “Pfff some people are just…..” But no inquiry about my well-being or even vague interest.
For the record, the 60-year-old Dutch dude threw a hard punch (against a 100 pound woman). Thankfully, it was a body-blow and not to the face. Physically, I’m fine. Though it was jarring and it really shook me. But I believe there’s more here to consider.
I feel grateful to have lived and traveled around the globe, and while I’ve encountered some petty theft, I’ve been fortunate to never face serious physical threats. I do NOT take that for granted. I in no way put this experience on par with more serious violent incidents. I share it not to garner sympathy or to portray myself as a victim, but to hopefully spark some conversation. If you never directly hear about these things or analyze their cultural significance, how will things ever improve?
I see 3 big take-aways which are worthy of contemplation:
There are not many Western, developed countries in which a man will openly strike a woman in broad daylight and feel justified and safe in doing so without consequence. I have to wonder if he would have acted so boldly if I were a man (who would be more likely to strike back or chase him) or a Dutch person (who definitely would’ve followed him!).
His first instinct after experiencing a minor inconvenience was physical violence. This tiny blip in his day unleashed a wild, irrational fury. That’s shocking. I don’t know the details of his life, but I know in my brief encounter with him, he presented as a typical Dutch man who very likely grew up with the societal privileges that accompany that. Perhaps he has something happening personally, but other expats (and one very self-aware local who lived abroad) shared similar stories of quick-tempers over small irritants that escalate immediately to violence. They all identified this as a trend.
No one intervened or expressed concern. Not only did they not try to stop him, they never asked if I was ok. The same goes for most of the Dutch people I spoke with about this. There was a general, “Well, I didn’t do it and it didn’t happen to me, so it’s not my concern” dismissive attitude. There is a deep irony to that sort of perceived individualism within a culture where so much is guaranteed and provided for each citizen.
While I filed a police report as a formality (“A 60ish white Dutch guy with gray hair, a weatherproof jacket, riding a bicycle in the Jordaan neighborhood” — doesn’t really narrow it down…), I do hope sharing this story will encourage some open conversations and reflections about civic engagement, regardless of who you are or where you live. (Dutchies: I still love you, but critical self-reflection is not really your strong-suit ;)
No country or culture is perfect. I’m equally grateful for both my U.S. citizenship and my ability to live / work / travel abroad. But regardless of the policies and politics of our respective countries and cultures, I hope we are all always seeking ways to show up better and with greater humanity and empathy for our communities and fellow citizens — regardless of whether their backgrounds and accents mirror our own.
